I’m like textbook Kübler-Ross: denial; anger; bargaining; depression; acceptance.
Two years into this adventure I never thought I’d undertake…two years of denial that the marriage was ending, or that my life and relationships with friends were changing; two years of anger about my situation and the changes; eighteen months of bargaining over how the thing would be carried out; a good deal of depression over the failures, real and perceived…the time for letting go is upon us.
And it’s a weird feeling, being open to letting go.
So we reach…acceptance.
I realized it when I called my once-husband the other night about a restated tax form, and we wound up talking about Frederic.
He sounded completely satisfied when I told him the story of what had happened, like that part of our lives had been neatly wrapped up, and we could both move on from All of That. No more questions to be asked; no more failures.
There is freedom in our conversations now–a lightness–to suggest that we have accepted the terms of where we are and where we have been.
In the worst of times, I used to quote from the wisdom of Grover to him: “Around, around, around, around, over, and under, and through.” Wisdom I remembered watching as a kid, and words that have always stuck with me. As if those words would get us through the hard parts; as if that chant would inspire us to work through the awfulest of things. As if Grover could would guide us to accepting ourselves.
It never worked.
I used to say the same thing to Frederic, to CJ, to any number of friends with whom my relationships have undergone significant transformation over the last few years. It hasn’t always stuck.
But now, standing on the cusp of acceptance of where I am, where this path has led…I find I am about to burst through these saloon doors. What a strange feeling. Sometimes lonely; sometimes uncertain. I like having all the answers and knowing what will greet me on the other side.
I realized the change tonight, when I had the lightness in my body to execute a difficult yoga pose I have never, ever in my many years of practicing yoga, been able to achieve.
It’s true: I have lost many things over these last two years. But today, I realized for the first time the ways in which I have accepted and let go, despite the aches and pains of the losses. And despite the exhaustion of the around, around, around, around, over, and under…I am ready, finally, for through.