I hate to say I hate something, but as the world well knows, I HATE PEEPS.

I loathe them.

They are disgusting.  They are only useful as a craft supply; they are not fit for human consumption.  So if you want to put your Peeps to good use, may I share with you the following anecdotes and recommendations:

One Winesday before Easter, when Dr. Penguin was still living on my sofa, we all got drunk and creative (remember, I’ve finally accepted that I’m like Martha Stewart-meets-Sandra Lee-meets-a-very-small-Atilla-the-Hun), and this was the result:

(I forget who gave me that cheese board, but it is a Winesday staple.  One of the most useful serving pieces I own.)

Peepshi consists of one part Peeps; one part froot-by-the-foot; one part Rice Krispy treats; one part Chardonnay.  Both the sum and its parts are not fit for human consumption, except for the Chardonnay.  Again you should not eat these, unless you’ve lived in Antarctica like Dr. Penguin has, in which case, you’ll eat anything — and he did, and did not gag.  I, on the other hand, need to scroll down as I’m typing because I’m choking just looking at the photo.

In terms of other Things To Do When People Give You Peeps And You’re Obviously Not Going To Eat The Damned Things, my girl Erin has blogged about the quintessential Peeps craft: Monster Peeps.  One part Peep; one part microwave.  In the words of Gordon Ramsay (swoon…Scotsmen…swoon…can’t understand most of what they say, which is just how I like it): DONE.

Finally, if you happen to be hosting Easter, or in my case, hosting an Eff You, Hit-and-Run Driver (OMG Meredith Get Over It Already!) Brunch, or, as my mother calls it, ” Eastover” (that no-man’s land between Passover and Easter when people get together for some kind of mutant celebratory meal without leavened baked goods), you might consider using Peeps in a bright and happy floral arrangement.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

I paired these with a centerpiece commemorating the car accident:

And the full effect was this:

Hydrangeas; Hot Wheels; Peeps.  Done.

In terms of the “Tutorial from Hell” bit for actually making the Peeps arrangements, I can tell you that there is floral foam in the bottom of the terra cotta pots.  I bought an unfathomable amount of green crusty stuff at Michaels on the UWS after an Autumn afternoon of daydrinking.  I don’t know what possessed me to buy it.  That was possibly the only time “floral foam” has ever sounded like a good idea to me.  I later discovered that the stuff is like the herpes of the gardening world.

I used the cut and discarded stems from the hydrangeas to spear the Peeps to give them height.  Some of them are also on jumbo-sized pipe cleaners to give them flexibility.

As a side note, I let the Peeps packages sit open for a few hours before using them.  In my years of using Peeps as a building block, I have discovered that they’re a better art supply when they are slightly crispy.  They were…squashy…when I tried to spear them fresh.  A few hours out in the open air fixed them right up.

(If you are interested, the non-Peeps centerpiece is anchored in a glass cylinder I sometimes use for flowers; contains three Hotwheels cars;  is composed of a $10 bouquet of hydrangeas.  I used 2/3 of the flowers in the vase, and used slightly less than the remaining 1/3 in the terra cotta pots.

The total cost of the project to me was under $15; I had the pots, vase, foam, pipe cleaners, and ribbon on hand.

The total benefit of the project to me was: Immeasurable.  Spending my Friday night shoving stems up the (non-existent) rear-ends of unsuspecting Peeps seemed some sort of cosmic justice for the gag-inducing torture they inflict upon the world.