Our Wedding: An Explainer

Paul and I are getting married in approximately two months, and this is what people call crunch time. This also means that people around us are saying and doing all kinds of weird…stuff. Below, I briefly summarise some of the things that people are saying to me, and how I am responding…and how I wish I could respond. I am sure these things will be familiar to anyone who has ever been married. Ever.

1) The Fun Part

What people say: Only two months to go! How is planning going?

What I say: We’re down to the really fun part now!

What I mean: There is no such thing as “the fun part.” I am living a very expensive version of Hell.

2) Family Planning

What people say: So are you and Paul going to start a family right away? Are you guys already trying? What’s your timeline?

What I say: Oh, we’re still talking about all that!

What I mean: That you for your incredibly rude interest in my vagina. How is your reproductive tract doing? Do you think you want to have any more children? When was the last time you and your wife even had sex?

3) Plus 47

What people say: I noticed you didn’t invite our three kids on the envelope, so we’re just going to RSVP for the five of us. Also, what’s your childcare plan at the reception? We want to get drunk and dance, and Janie and Junior won’t go to sleep for a babysitter so it’s best that they just stay with us all night.

What I say: …

What I mean: Are you kidding me right now?

4) Plus Canine

What people say: Is the venue dog friendly? I noticed you didn’t invite Rover on the envelope, and he loves Roo so much.

What I say: …

What I mean: Are you kidding me right now?

5) Vegan Caveman

What people say: We noticed that your RSVP card didn’t specify menu choices and we only eat vegan, paleo, Bulletproof meals. What’s the best way for us to communicate our preferences to the venue, or will you do that for us?

What I say: I am sure we can work something out.

What I mean: How is that even A Thing?

6) Flora & Fauna

What people say: Can you tell me what flowers you’re having at your wedding? I have seasonal allergies, and I need an accounting of all floral products before we can decide whether we are attending.

What I say: I am sure we can work something out.

What I mean: Please stay home.

7) Benefits?

What people say: We are considering attending your wedding but we need to understand what’s in it for us…

What I say: (this is actually a real thing someone said to me, verbatim) …

What I mean: Kindly piss off.

8) Miss Manners

What people say: We want to attend, but we are not sure we can condone your second big white wedding. We will have to get back to you on this.

What I say: (this is another thing someone actually said to me) Please let me know either way before October 15th.

What I mean: Look, we’re getting married at a restaurant that’s quite difficult to book. If the taste of your moral victory is better than a free Michelin star meal, that’s your problem, not mine.

My only explanation for any of this is that weddings bring out the worst in people.

1 Comment

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  1. Oh yes, dealing with people’s food issues is the worst. We had one guest who said there couldn’t be Rosemary in any of the dishes, not even as a seasoning in soup or garnish, calamity would occur. I had all this back and forth with the inn and the chef and after selecting the menu and assuring all involved that there wouldn’t even be Rosemary in the kitchen, she decided she didn’t want to travel the week before Thanksgiving.

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